Golf Assumes its Rightful Place


After six weeks of Open Champion™ celebrations in Clara, Mullingar applies to Offaly County Council to twin with the home of Shane Lowry and is accepted. Galway quickly follows suit. The celebrations spread.

The missing RTÉ journalist is found in Clane, County Kildare where he had been looking for somebody who knew the Lowrys to interview.

A Mr. Tommy Joe Byrne claims to have known a man who knew a Brendan Lowry, but it turns out to have been a different Brendan Lowry. RTÉ still runs the piece.

Leo Varadkar resigns to become a golf pro.

Shane Ross, the Minister for Everything, claims to be the most popular politician in Ireland because he has the same first name as the Open Champion™ and demands to be made Taoiseach.

The All-Ireland Hurling Final between Limerick and Wexford is cancelled and replaced by a golf game between Cian Lynch and Lee Chin.

Netflix buys the broadcast rights for the golf match, which is staged in the Bog of Allen, which has been turned into a 180 hole golf course.

The Green Party complain about all the new golf clubs being developed around Ireland and are expelled from politics.

Michael D. Higgins resigns to become a golf pro.

The election sees a landslide by Paul McGinley who is elected President For Life. He declares free golf for everyone.

The Aviva Stadium is converted into a golf museum.

Clare County Council, unable to keep up with demand, issues a compulsory purchase order for Doonbeg Golf Links. President Trump declares war and sends The United States Fleet Forces Command (USFF) to reclaim the lost links. The Americans are easily repelled by fifty Lahinch Golf Club members, ably led by The Lady Captain.

All GAA stadiums are knocked to the ground and replaced by golf ranges.

Husband and wife, John and Patricia Hudson of Shane Lowry Place, Cobh, decide to have another child because their first five show no talent with the wedge.

Boris Johnson offers Royal Portrush to the Irish government if they will remove the backstop to let BREXIT proceed.

Taoiseach Ross, having issued another €50 million of Government funds to continue the Shane Lowry Open Champion™ celebrations, haggles until Johnson throws Royal County Down into the deal.

Micheál Martin resigns to become a professional golfer.

Padraig Harrington takes over leadership of Fianna Fáil and withdraws support from The Government. Fianna Fáil romp home in the snap election, by a margin of 45 seats.

The missing RTÉ journalist is found in Conna, County Cork, where he had been tracking down a nurse who was at the birth of Shane Lowry, Open Champion™. She says it was an easy birth.

Patricia Hudson of Shane Lowry Place, Cobh gets special daily golf ‘lessons’ from the local golf pro to improve her ‘game’. Her husband, John, approves.

President for Life McGinley announces The Fields of Athenry as the new national anthem and decrees it is to be sung by every citizen at dawn and dusk, daily.

All male Irish children born in Ireland are named Shane, except one, called Tiger.

Srixon shares continue to grow in the NYSE, overtaking Apple as the largest company in the world.

Joe Schmidt resigns and the Irish Rugby Football Union is disbanded.

Patricia Hudson of Shane Lowry Place, Cobh, gives birth to twins, a boy called Shane and a girl called Lowry. They are born with a Ping putter and a Titleist pitching wedge in each hand. Thousands of worshipping pilgrims besiege Cobh.

John Delaney takes leadership of the Golf Union of Ireland and is offered salary of €2 million per annum tax free.

The school year for 2020/2021 is cancelled by Taoiseach For Life Harrington so that children can practice their golf games daily.

Gaelic football is banned on pain of death.

Leo Varadkar breaks 80 for the first time and buys a cashmere sweater to celebrate.

Simon Harris resigns to become a professional golfer.

After another 200 weeks of celebration for the Open Champion™, Guinness buys Belgium and sets up the largest brewery in the world, employing 450,000 people.

Twins Shane and Lowry Hudson, aged five, break 70 for the first time. Leo Varadkar, Simon Harris, Micheál Martin and Michael D. Higgins quit golf.

Calloway opens twenty new golf club and golf ball manufacturing facilities across the Midlands and West.

Another forty sports writers commit ritual hara-kiri using sharpened hurleys.

Ireland is expelled from the EU for not meeting its financial regulations and forms an alliance with Scotland, called the Republic of Golfland (ROG)

Twins Shane and Lowry Hudson, aged eight, win all nine golf Majors and are deified by President for Life McGinley and Taoiseach for Life Harrington.

Emperor for Life Lowry, with the backing of the new gods, takes control of The Republic of Golfland and changes its name.

The Empire of Golfland invades Europe with an army of five million crazed plaid slacked, rescue-club wielding golfers. The EU surrenders, followed quickly by all world governments. President for Life Trump swears allegiance to The Empire of Golfland to the sound of The Fields of Athenry played by 200 bagpipes.

Emperor Lowry for Life accepts the surrender of the world and declares Utopia.

Photograph: Jason Cairnduff/Reuters

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